Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'll take "This person is an emotional mess" for $1000, Alex.

My hubby is on his way to Kuwait. There's so much that sentence doesn't say. It doesn't say that going to Kuwait is one step away from Hell for him. That for the next 2-3 weeks, we won't have much if any contact with him. The Holidays are arriving, and I'm not sure what I'm going to send to him, if it's going to get there. And his birthday is two days after Christmas, so I have to make sure that is ready as well. And this week, I've given myself permission to wallow in the depression some. I've allowed myself a couple of times to think about how very long the next 9 months will be. How much he is going to miss...how much we are going to miss. And it makes me sad, makes me angry.

PB is participating in a Young Americans workshop at the high school this week. Bug would have been able to participate if she had stayed here for the school year. This is not an event that happens often, so she probably won't have another shot at it. Monday night was the first session, and we had to bring the kids dinner for their break. I was there a little bit early, so I was able to sit in the audience and watch as the small groups joined into a big group and showed off what they learned. I sat there pretty much sobbing. Oh, I always cry a little when I go to one of the kids concerts...choir, band, school, whatever...Childbirth made me an emotional crazy woman. But those are just the normal little sniffly tears. This was full blown ugly cry (but quietly) and I was mortified. But I couldn't even talk...all I could do was sit and cry and hope no one was watching. I watched as Bug's friends and her sister stood on the stage singing...watched as they laughed and had a good time. And I ached for her. I was so sad that she was missing out on this experience. I was sad that my husband wasn't here to watch, to enjoy. That he isn't going to watch the show tonight.

Monster started Martial Arts last night. Another moment of emotion.

I'm still sad today. The alarm company had to send someone to fix one of our alarm sensors, and I think it's Gods way of making sure that I stayed home this morning. Because I am an emotionl mess this morning. I spent a good chunk of time on the phone with him this morning, as he rode the bus to the airport. Knowing that this could be the last chance I have to talk to him for weeks. Not having much to say, but not wanting to disconnect.

I know that it will get better. We have things to do, things to prepare to help pass the time. And I know that I have to allow myself the chance to feel and work through these emotions.

And for $1000, the "answer" the title? That would be "who is mamalang?"

1 comment:

herM said...

hugs to you ... and ugly cry's are sooooo needed sometimes. take the time you need, and glad you're giving yourself permission!