Remembering September 11th, 2001

I very rarely really try to think about that day.  I try to avoid the articles and such.  But this year, something was different. I don't know if it's because my husbands been overseas serving in the war that began in some way after that day, or if it's just been long enough.  After reading a few of those articles, I felt compelled to remember, and record my thoughts and memories of that day.

My husband had an appt in another town that morning.  We were living with my MIL and I was driving Bug to school in our old town 20 minutes way every day.  PB was in home daycare and Monster wasn't even thought of existing at that time.  That's hard for me to grasp when I think about that day...we didn't even know he would exist.  He's never lived in the world the way it was before 9/11/2001.  That makes me pause, and really think.

I was at work.  We didn't have television access, and our internet access was extremely limited.  I worked in a call center as a telephone rep.  Someone's spouse called, and we all began to hear.  The conversations on the calls we were taking were surreal.  DDS called me to tell me he was on his way back and he was watching planes leave the Air Force Base one right after the other...we have large cargo planes, they don't do that.  He knew then something was very wrong.  We agreed he would stop and get Bug and PB and take them home, and stay in contact with me.  All the information w received that day was second hand.  They finally closed the office around lunch time and sent us all home.

I was terrified that our Air Force Base would be a target.  I was terrified that my husband would be asked to leave home and fight.  I worried about what sort of world we were all going to be living in for the rest of our lives. 

I didn't watch the planes hit, the towers burn or their collapse while it was happening, since I was at work.  And I'm thankful for that fact.  By the time I was able to see the footage, I had already heard and digested what happened.  While the images were still shocking, I knew what was going to happen.  And after seeing it once, I didn't need to witness it again.  We tried to keep the girls away from the news, letting them watch cartoons and videos all afternoon and evening. 

I remember walking around the neighborhood that afternoon with the girls.  It was so peaceful.  The sky was blue and cloudy, and it was eerie to look up and not see a plane flying overhead.  We see so many planes here that you stop noticing them after a while...but that day you noticed their absence.  It seemed as if even the birds had been grounded.  The traffic was so light, it was almost as if we were truly some of the only people left. 

I remember the patriotism of the next few weeks.  I remember the feeling of pride.  But mostly, I remember the fear.  My husband had been put on alert, preparing him to go to war.  But I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, or say anything.  Every time my phone rang, I jumped.  I had long conversations with myself, trying to prepare for that call.  When people asked if he was getting called up, I had to lie and say we hadn't heard anything.  This went on for months...even after we did start the attack.  We were on call. 

But eventually, I realized that I had to stop thinking about it constantly.  I had to live life in my new normal.

Several months later we moved onto that Air Force Base.  My children began going to school and daycare on that base.  And every night I prayed.  We moved off that base, but my children still go to school there.  I still pray. 

When Politics land in your own backyard.

Loralee's post about her conversation with Valerie Jarrett regarding healthcare reform has won her space on the White House Page. This is amazing. How wonderful that a normal, ordinary American Citizen, has been given the chance to share her story.

Her post and the comments have really made my mind begin to tumble around. A post is coming. I've held back from posting anything that could be potentially controversial as it's not what I intended for this blog. But I feel a need to share. You've been warned.

Season of change

Back to school season always stirs up the winds of change, and this year it seems to be even stronger.  One child moves from half day K to all day 1st grade, another begins Middle School, and the third driver's ed.  Milestones beginning for each of my babies.

This past year has definitely been a year of change as well.  Of course my kids have grown up some, that is inevitable.  But I think that they have also grown stronger.  We were all forced to really look at ourselves, to see our lives through a different filter.  We had to re-evaluate our roles and our relationships.  We could break free of the patterns of the past and move forward without those shackles pulling us back. 

I see so many changes in my girls.  Bug has matured, has realized what so many people have been trying to tell her for so long.  She is a beautiful girl, with so much potential.  There is no need to be defensive, loud, brash, mean.  There is no reason for anger, at yourself or others, any longer. It is time to close that chapter and walk into the bright sunlight.  It is time to live a positive life, embracing the future and allowing the past to remain just that.  I see a child that has turned into a beautiful and smart young lady, with a great future ahead of her.

At one time or another, my husband and I have discussed her future.  We were both concerned with the rude awakening we saw heading her way.  "Someday, someone is going to break through that barrier...I pray that it isn't a catastrophe."  We talked, we shared, we prayed and we loved.  Finally, some of that good has seeped through, and that barrier is safely falling away.

PB has really grown this year as well.  The whines, the temper tantrums, they are still there, but I'm seeing them less often.  I see a witty girl, who is sweet and caring, and it's reflected in the way other children want to be her friend.  People flock to PB, they see her and smile and call her name.

Part of her charm is the way she completely lives in her own world.  She doesn't worry so much about what others think...if she is happy, that's all that matters to her.  She doesn't hear you when you say "that doesn't match," she puts it on and suddenly, it matches.  She is one of the few people I have ever met that can pull off a polka dotted shirt and plaid shorts and make it look cute.  For so many years, she has lived in the shadow of her sister.  She has been the younger sister, always trying to do what Bug did, have what Bug had.  No matter how many times and how many ways we tried to show them that life wasn't a competition between them, it was still there.  But this year, she wasn't so much the little sister every day.  She was the oldest.  She was allowed a little more freedom, and a little more responsibility.  There wasn't someone there to constantly compare herself to, and she blossomed.  Now I see a more mature relationship, a sharing of common interests as well as a protectiveness of each other.  There is still a competitive slant, but it is hushed now, toned down.

I hope this year has also taught my children how blessed our life is.  We may not live in a mansion with maid service and butlers, but we have a good life.  And even without the nice stuff, we have each other.  I'm going to try and remember those blessings every day, and count them, and hold them tight to me.

My floor was slowly drowning

The first Sat in August was a busy day. We went to our local Peach festival and a minor league baseball game (more on that coming...it was exciting!). But what pushed me even closer to the edge was the ceiling tiles crumpled on the basement floor when I went down to throw in a load of the (never ending) laundry. Ceiling tiles belong on the ceiling, and these weren't just there, they were crumpled, broken, and upon further inspection, wet. Oh crap!

My mind began racing. Water was just trickling from the ceiling, not pouring through. What could be causing it? What's up above it? Grab some towels, pull aside the things I don't want to get wetter. Crap, I have to leave in an hour. Run upstairs, while resisting the urge to call my husbands name. Remembering that it won't do any good. Turn off the outside faucet that was left on earlier that day. Evaluate where that faucet is located in relation to the leak. Run back downstairs. Realize that isn't what's causing the leak. Run to the stairs and look up, back down, up, back down. Finally realize it's the dishwasher or sink.

I run up the stairs, lay down and pull the trim away, and find a soaking wet floor. I panic and my stops functioning correctly. I call my mom. She reminds me to turn off the water supply to the dishwasher. So I do. I call and make arrangements for someone to come look at it for me, and we leave for the ball game.

On the way home, my someone calls me and tells me it's definitely maybe the dishwasher, so I should get a repair man out there. Uh, thanks...but that wasn't really all that helpful.

Sunday morning, I started the process to contact the organization that's offered help for these situations. The organization that sat at an early FRG meeting and swore that they would help, that they had people that wanted to do this for us. I still haven't heard from them, almost two weeks later. I spent the day waiting for them, and dealing with Bug's expected and then cancelled arrival.

Monday, I realized I had to find someone, even if it cost a fortune. The water was still coming, but I couldn't cope with trying to figure out where. I was still dealing with trying to get Bug home, and I needed help. I started calling around. Thursday was the earliest someone could get out. ARGHhh...I finally realize I need to try and resolve this myself. I manage to pull the dishwasher out, and figure out what section it's leaking from, but not from where. I'm frustrated.

Finally, a friend reaches out. Reminds me that her husband is a repair tech. I call him Tues morning and he comes over Tuesday night, finds several PIN HOLE leaks in the tubing, and shuts the water off where it actually comes in. This means no water in the sink whatsoever...I'm still not sure what the other handle that I turned off was for. He comes back Wednesday night with new hoses and helps me put everything back. Yay, it's fixed.

But now I get to clean up the new set of wet towels, and do the extra 3 loads of laundry this has caused. And remove everything from the bookshelf in the basement and look for water damage and treat the carpet and the ceiling/floor joists and on and on and on.

Seriously, this deployment needs to end. I'm thankful for friends, but I'm tired of proving I'm capable.

Tired, just tired.

I really didn't intend to be on such a long break. It's summer. It's supposed to be lazy. Someone needs to let my schedule know that.

On top of the crammed pack schedule, I've been dealing with a bout of the blues. I'm over this deployment. People comment on us being single parents. But I don't like that description. Single parents have to do it all themselves. With no end in sight. This is hard, and I would never dispute this. I get to be a single parent, but for a short time. I have to make short term decisions, but still try to include my husband in those decisions enough to allow him to still feel like part of the family. It's hard to explain...it's frustrating sometimes...no, most of the time. The sense of limbo, of just trying to get through the days until everything is put back to rights. I'm lucky because both of our mothers live here, as well as my sister-in-law, and they are more than willing to help. But they can only do so much. I am still the parent. All.The.Time. There is no other parent to fall back on.

While my husband has been gone, I have had to maintain our lives. It's not fair to the children that we can't go to the beach or park or whatever because I need to do all the laundry, dishes, maintenance, etc. by myself, which means it takes too long. So sometimes, it doesn't get done. And I hate that. Sometimes, I have to decide which event is more likely to cause lifelong damage if I miss it, as I'm expected to be in two places at the same time. I still have to go to work 5 days a week. Added in with all of this, I need to find time to talk to my husband with a 7 hour time difference, send him letters and care packages, and try to discover new ways to keep us close with a roommate there and children always underfoot here. Add in trying to find time to exercise and eat right, and it starts to feel like too much.

And lately? I've been failing at some of this. And I'm feeling it. And that makes the pressure and sadness worse. I feel like my brain is constantly going. I stay up late almost every night, hoping to either see my hubby online or trying to get some chore or another done. And then on the weekends I end up crashing. I'm tired, and I'm cranky, (and I know I am...even when I'm trying not to be) and I'm frustrated and I'm lonely, and I'm just TIRED OF IT all....

But I know. I know this is what we signed up for. I know that his decision to serve is right for him. I know that a year really isn't all that long in the scheme of our life. I know that God will not let me go over the edge, no matter how close I feel I am.

And I know that when he comes home, we will adjust again. And our world will tilt back into the right direction. And I'll be better. I just have to make it for 2 more months...1/6 of the total deployment. Pray for me, please!

Suckage

That's what I've been feeling lately.  And I really don't like it.

May/June is always a busy time of year around here.  My job is at it's busiest during the summer (except for next week...it's the one slow week.)  It's stressful and a major time suck, just when my personal life heats up and becomes even busier with end of school year functions.  And this year I felt the pressure even more to be there for my kidlins, since they were milestone celebrations.

But what's really dragging me down is missing my husband.  It's nothing big that causes it, but a million little things every day.  Finding maggots in both of our outside trash cans, and knowing that I'll have to clean them out Wednesday night after the trash people come. Deep cleaning our "den" all by myself, and still having o take care  the laundry and dinner.  Seeing someone drive by on a motorcycle, and realizing that we won't be enjoying that freedom this summer.  Trying to determine when we might be able to go to the beach and drive the jeep up on the sand and realizing how much work it will be alone.  Not having my best friend to go out with, snuggle with, or throw up my hands and stalk out of the room from.  And a zillion more.  I think it's a combination of the (relatively) short time he has left in this deployment, and realizing at the same time that my favorite season will be gone by the time he does come home.  I never realized before how much I loved summer, and the many things we do as a family and couple.  And I'm missing that.

On top of that, I had to have fillings replaced twice over the last two weeks, and yesterdays was a major suck...of time, energy, and happiness.  It was a hour and half procedure, during which I fought to not hyperventilate or pass out.  And my mouth continued to hurt for hours after the numbness wore off.  Dinner consisted of grilled cheese and a milkshake.  And for a few minutes, I sat there and wallowed in the self-pity that I still had to take Monster to Martial Arts, get them showered and fed and tucked in bed, because I'm currently a single parent.  But then I was reminded how lucky I am.

He may be a world away from me tonight, but he loves me.  And we are in this together, no matter what.  When this deployment ends, he will come home to me.  And I will get the chance to fight and yell and love and touch him.  There are others that don't get that chance. 

reading the cues

My children seem to be suffering from a recurrence of "it's almost the end of the school year and I must lose my mind"itis. I'm hoping they survive this flare up with my sense of humor intact.

It's amazing how different two children raised in the exact same household can be. My daughter can be a sensitive soul. She can work herself into a tizzy with very little outside stimulus. Figuring out how to cajole her out of these funks is tricky. It starts with trying to figure out what is causing her funk, and that is usually difficult to do. She's good at smokescreening you, avoiding the real issue.

She has small little moments of sadness several nights a week since her father left for deployment. After a couple of weeks of her working herself into a stomach ache and sobbing, I had to be tough. I now allow her 5 minutes of crying time. Then she has to suck it up and go to sleep. This was instituted after many other strategies were offered and failed. Diary time, talking, writing to daddy, dancing like a mad woman, visualization, nothing seemed to help her. And this solutions doesn't always work, but it has definitely helped. But this past week or so, I've noticed a diffferent type of sadness, and slowly it's been coming out (well, I've been piecing conversations together.) She is in 5th grade, and will be moving to the Junior High next year. This is a big change, but the change is minimized for her since the Junior High is attached to the elementary school. Same lunch room, same band room, same entrance. But slowly, she's learning that some of her friends won't be joining her in those rooms. One is switching to her home school, instead of school choicing. Another is moving to Texas. These are girls that she has literally known since Kindergarten or First grade, they've slept over at each other's houses dozens of times, shared birthday parties and simple growing up things. Going to a military school, she's used to people coming and going, and there are other kids in her class moving on as well. But it's a lot of changes all at once.

Luckily, I've been able to get her talking a little about the situation, and simply acting a fool with her from time to time seems to help the cloud pass over and sleep come. It's not always that easy, but for now I'll accept it.

Monster has also been having some minor melt down moments, although his occur just after pick up each evening. He's graduating from Kindergarten, and moving on to First grade. We go from half day of school, to eating lunch, having "specials", and homework. Luckily, he is super easy to cajole out of these funks most of the time. A good 5 minute session of tickling, kissing, wrestling and such generally gets him back into a good mood and ready to tackle whatever comes next.

As a mom, I'm happy that I'm able to find the keys to helping my children learn to cope with their feelings. I really feel that this year has brought us closer, and although I wouldn't have chosen it, I'm glad I can see the benefits from it.

Wednesday?

How is it Wednesday already?  Never has a week felt so long but gone by so quickly.  We're in the crazy time of year, when everything is ending, all at the same time.  This is also the beginning of our busy time  at work.  So I am stressed normally, but this year, it's amped up even more.  I have two trips I'm trying to plan, one for this summer and one for fall, plus a bus trip to New York next weekend..  My children have hit the "we're going to be really annoying all the time cause it's almost the end of the school year" phase and are driving me crazy.  By the end of this month, we will have celebrated three birthdays in our family, as well as Mother's Day, plus a friend or two has had birthdays.  I feel like curling up in a ball and crying.

My list of things I want to do has grown so long this month, it doesn't even fit on one page anymore (seriously, I started writing things down so I can keep track and get them OUT OF MY HEAD!).  At the same time, my energy level is hitting an all time low.  I am exhausted almost all the time y'all.  I really need a personal assistant.  However, the pay would have to be very low at this point, as we are about tapped out budget wise. 

I've been looking forward to a weekend free of much to do with others, and just us staying home and me working on some of the things I want to get done, but I'm starting to see that slipping away.  Slowly, little pieces are being taken, and I know that I'll feel frustrated by Monday night with how little I've gotten done.

Don't get me wrong, I'm blessed, and I know it.  Really.  I'm just having a not so good week.

It's spring, and I need a handyman

How do the days go by so fast but so slow at the same time.  I have so many things to write about, but by the time I've done the necessary chores, I'm so tired I just want to sleep.  And the words are backing up and I feel like if I don't get them out, I'm going to explode.  But then I sit down to write and I can't decide where to start, what to write about. 

I always feel a little spoiled when I talk about having a cleaning lady, especially in this economy.  But I seriously don't know how I would manage without her.  She comes every other week and scrubs my house.  This gives me the time I need to handle the other chores like laundry, dishes and such.  And coming home to that clean house is such a great feeling.  I will give up a lot to be able to afford her, but the truth is my husband's job is economy proof right now, and the extra money they get is there to help us adjust without them home. 

But I really need to find someone to help with the manly chores.  We have a distinct shortage of men in our family, and the few we do have aren't the handiest.  Today I fought with the lawnmower and weedeater, until I just decided I wasn't meant to mow.  Luckily my SIL mowed the front yard yesterday, and the neighbor has offered to mow for me when he mows his yard, so that will be one less thing for me to worry about.  I really don't mind mowing, but finding the time is hard.  And weedeating sucks.  This need is hitting home this weekend in my mind, and I dreamed this morning that someone hired a man for me while my husband is deployed.  I was so excited to have the "honey do" list getting whittled down, it was ridiculous.  (this is even funnier, since I rarely remember dreaming.  I've actually been told by a doctor that I probably don't dream, as I fall into deep sleep quickly most nights.  Sleep truly is my drug of choice...lol)

I'm hoping to get a few more things accomplished this weekend, and I'm hoping to find the time and desire to write.  I have lots of adventures to share.  In the meantime, I hear the laundry calling my name, and the dishwasher is joining in at the chorus.  Unfortunately for them, my bed's music is much more alluring, and harder to deny.

Feels like starting over...but not.

So this is the first day of the last six months.  And it seems a lot like the days a month or so ago.  But now the 6 months looms ahead. 

I started running through the activities of the week in my mind the other night, and before I knew it, I was at the start of next school year.  We have several busy months coming up, and the time will pass quickly, I know.

But today was rainy, and chilly, and Monday, and the day after I dropped him off at the airport.  Not a good day.

So dinner was potato soup and salad...it was easy and we had the ingredients on hand.

And now I wish the dishes would load themselves.  I need to get off my butt and do it myself so I can go to bed.

Thank goodness someone else cooks for us tomorrow night.

And with that, I will load my dishes, and trudge up to my bed alone.  That's one of the suckiest parts.

Vacation...of a sorts

My hubby was home for his two weeks of mid-tour leave, and left today to begin his journey back to Iraq.  We packed those two weeks with a lot of fun, and I have a lot to write about over the next few days.  We went to Washington, DC twice and met the Vice President once.  We went to New York and saw Wicked on Broadway.  We rode the motorcyle and finished projects in Monster's room.  We snuggled and laughed and talked and held hands.  It was almost like he hadn't been gone.

But tonight, I'm just trying to focus on getting through, and starting the second half of this deployment.  Of course we know we can handle it...we've been handling it for the past six months just fine.  But the next few weeks is going to be tough for us all.  We have to relocate that groove, and not focus on how much longer we have to get through.

So come back over the next few days and hear about the excitement!

Manic much?

I know, it's been a little light on the posting around here lately.  I'm sorry.  I'm too manic.

I can't seem to find the balance.  I'm either sound asleep constantly, or moving, moving, moving.  There just doesn't seem to be too much time left to just sit, let alone post.  And the bad part is, there's still a long list of things I need to do.  Very long.  Some of them kind of important.

But when I think about those things, I get tired again.  And I pass out.  Then I wake up and go 100 miles and hour, until I can't.  Then I pass out again. 

I know, this too will pass.  It's not just my hubby being gone, but the stress of the economy.  Talk revolves around our budget deficit every day.  We are half expecting the Governor to drop by one day.  Actually, he did drop by one of the State Police Troops recently.  They made an announcement...."The Governor is coming to use the facilities.  Please prepare."  Seriously, you had to be that in depth?  Poor guy, no privacy left.

Okay. that sleep thing again.  Tomorrow is another day.

1. Teaching First Aid/CPR.  I love teaching/training.  And people want to be in this class.
2. Cold medicines
3. A cleaning lady.  I love coming home to a house that is clean.  It makes my soul sing.  And without her?  That manic state would be upped several notches.  I never worry that my toilets aren't clean enough anymore.
4. French Fries with Old Bay Seasoning.
5. My hubby, who doesn't let a day go by without telling me he loves me, even when he's half a world away.

Tired (GiST 14/365)

I'm tired. I'm so tired, we had pizza for dinner. So tired, that the remnants of dinner are still sitting there, waiting to be cleaned up. And tonight, the dishes aren't getting done. The trash will be thrown away, and leftovers have been put away, but my bed is calling, and I'm about to succumb to it's siren call.

I'm tired, and PB is tired, and that isn't a good combo. She didn't have a good night last night. She worked herself into a stomach/head ache again last night, and was up until 11 pm. I was trying to get to bed early, but obviously, that didn't happen. I admit, these spells try my patience. I know she misses her father, and I get it, I really do. But it frustrates me that she isn't using any of the techniques we've given her (and we've give her a ton of them.) I finally managed to get her calmed down enough to fall asleep, and then a bit later I finally got to go to bed. But then woke up an hour early to hear the wind threatening to take us away.

The office was hot as a jungle today, and I've been in a fog all day. By the time we were home tonight, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and go to sleep. I managed to order dinner, make the cookies for Monster's school party tomorrow, and bathe the kids and put them to bed. In there, PB and I had a little tiff. I reminded her that just because she was tired, I wasn't going to tolerate her arguing, backtalking or yelling a me. I suggested she might just want to go to bed. After her shower, she came down and apologized to me for pitching a fit. That was a sign that she's starting to get it, and starting to really mature.

I've fought the tireds all day, and I worked hard to set aside the tireds during bed time. I hugged, kissed, tickled and wrestled them into bed, laughing all the way. That's a good way to end this Love Thursday...remembering the joy in that love.

1. Talking to my hubby on the phone, even if shortly, today.
2. Tickles and giggles with my kidlins.
3. A yummy breakfast potluck at work today.
4. Tomorrow is Friday.
5. Getting a great deal on webkinz for my kids, so they are getting two each for Valentine's Day.

This one's for my husband

Getting my mojo back

I didn't really make any resolutions for this year.  I just vowed to go back to what I was doing before.  Doing what worked.  Sort of.  And so far, I'm doing pretty good at that.

I've never been a big TV watcher, but over the last few months I started getting sucked in...even when I was bored by what I watched. 

I used to make a list of things I wanted to get done and then tackle them in a timely fashion. 

I used to remember important things, like that my car needs an oil change, PB has band on Friday, and what day the trash went out.

I used to try and eat healthy and move a little and drink water.

But the last year?  Not so much.  Since October?  Very little.

This it the toll deployment has taken on me.  We spent the year prior to his D date preparing for this year.  Finding people to care for our yard, spending as much time as possible as a family doing fun things, getting a few important things done around the house.  The rest of it, we just let it go.  And I'm not saying that what we did is wrong (or right), it's just what we did.  And then he left.  And I lived on the computer so I could chat with him, and the television was good background to (maybe) entertain me.

But I have at least 7 months left, and I've found that old me a little again. I'm still forgetting things, and I'll still procrastinate (like that will change after 35 years...lol), but I'm accomplishing things.  I'm taking my lunch, and cooking a healthy dinner more than 2 nights a week.  The laundry is staying done, and I'm tackling projects.  Last weekend I painted my powder room, and this weekend I tied up some loose sewing ends and played in the park with my kids and nephew.

I've stepped away from my blog a bit, and I'm trying to actually live that life that I need to give me blog fodder.  So look for pics of my powder room, and stories of days of park play.  And more about the ache I feel missing my husband, and how I'm working through it. 

Our inaugural experience.

Last night, Monster, PB and I attended a once in a lifetime event.  My husband is serving in Iraq with the 261st Tactical Signal Brigade.  Beau Biden is a member of this unit, and is currently serving with my husband.  His father and stepmother invited the family members of the unit to attend the Kids Inauguration concert last night at the Verizon Center.  They provided bus transportation to and from the venue as well as securing tickets for all that wanted to attend. 

I was advised that this invitation was being extended several weeks ago.  At that time, we knew nothing other than it would be a concert.  No idea who would be performing.  We had to commit to attending without knowing.  Even at that point, I felt this was a once in a lifetime event for my children and myself.  To attend any part of the inaugural festivities is a big deal.  We committed, and I stressed to anyone I talked to that they should also go if it all possible.  Late last week, the lineup was announced...Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers.  I truly about fell over dead.  I had found out that Disney was co-spoonsoring this event with Michelle Obama and Dr. Jill Biden, but I never dared to hope that it would be such big name performers. 

We travelled to DC by bus.  The normal 2 1/2 hour trip took us almost 4 hours.  The amount of people, cars, and busses in that town is mind-boggling.  You think you can imagine it, but you can't.  We sat at one light for 30 minutes, watching it cycle, blocks away from our destination.  Eventually, we were given a police escort to get us through.   What an amazing feeling...lol.  Once there, we were welcomed by a member of Biden's staff.  He gave us gorgeous tickets, working very hard to make sure that families were given tickets together.  We were escorted inside and shown to our seats.  We had good seats and the show started almost as soon as we took them.  A Disney employee came out and fired up the crowd, and then Miley came out to open the show.  The screaming was deafening.  Throughout the night, we enjoyed performances and commentary by many actors and artists...Miley Cyrus, Bow Wow, Jamie Foxx, Rosario Dawson, Queen Latifah, Lucy Liu, George Lopez, Demi Lovato, and Corbin Bleu.

Dr. Biden was introduced by her granddaughter, Naomi.  Naomi did a wonderful job, appearing very poised and calm.  Dr. Biden spoke briefly, mentioning that they were also a military family, and then introduced Michelle Obama.  She also spoke about military families, and the struggles we endure during deployments.

The highlight for me was when Queen Latifah was on stage.  Several family members from our unit were brought on stage with her, and we had a link up with their soldiers in Iraq.  Each member was able to give a short message to their loved one...my favorite was the little one that said "I don't have anything to say."  It was a moment that made me swell with pride.  I am proud to be a military family, and sometimes that gets lost.

We didn't arrive back at the unit until 1:30 in the morning, and I was very thankful that the kids didn't have school today. 

Although I didn't feel strongly in favor of either of the Presidential candidates back in the election, I feel strongly now that we must support our President.  I can appreciate the historical nature of everything happening right now.  And I am moved by this.  I've watched several interviews with Michelle Obama, and she speaks of helping military families.  She talks about President Obama reducing the amount of time military members are deployed.  I hope that these aren't just passing speeches.  We need more home time, shorter deployments.  All the special activities in the world don't make up for your mom or dad or spouse being away from you for a year at a time. 

The country today is in a desperate state.  I worry about my job, our finances, what we are leaving to our children.  And although I feel that we have made a significant breakthrough electing the first African-American President, I still do not feel the sense of hope that many others feel.  He is just one man, and he is not God.  And his powers are still limited.

Today, I feel like a bad mother

(Disclaimer...I know I am a good mother, and I'm not looking for validation here.  But I've let a few things lapse the last couple of weeks, and I need to come clean to relinquish my guilt...lol)

I just received an email from PB's band teacher.  She hasn't been to practice or full band since Christmas break, and they have a concert in two weeks...is she still interested, or is she giving it up?  Uhm, I'm pretty sure she's interested, but band is on Friday, and by Thursday night, we are a house just trying to survive until Friday night.  Plus, she isn't the most organized person, and she forgets things often.  Things like the lunch we just packed and I reminded her to pick up, and she says, "I know" and walks off without remembering to grab said lunchbox.  Yup.  So I think it's more a matter of "whoops, crap, I forgot" when she gets to school and it's too late to do anythign about it.

So I'll talk to her tonight, and see where she stands.  And somehow I'll program my Thursday night brain to remember that band is on Friday.  But with that email came a metric butt load of guilt.  Because I've been feeling a little like I'm phoning it in lately. 

Single parenting is hard.  This isn't a surprise to pretty much anyone, I'm sure, most especially not me.  But this time is harder for me in some ways.  I feel like I've lost my mind.  I can't remember things, can't get motivated to get things done.  I'm constantly back tracking, trying to catch the ball I dropped.  And it sucks! 

Only 8-9 more months. Hopefully, I don't kill a child or burn down the house before then. 

Did you hear? The economy sucks

This deployment? It was a necessary evil for this family. The extra income (that will come eventually, after we pay down the cost of him going in the first place) is going to help us decrease our debt load and make our life a little easier. We are both very lucky with our current employment situation, as we both work in relatively stable positions...I don't see the need for military members to decrease any time soon, and I work for the state government. Our outgoing and incoming Governors both agree that lay-offs are only a last resort, and I have enough time in to feel secure in my seniority. That doesn't mean that I'm totally immune, and I remember that fact.

My SIL isn't fairing so well. Her employer outsourced her whole division (customer service) to Mumbai last year. Although she knew it was coming, it happened at one of the worst times possible. Positions at the level she was at are non-existent right now, and when she interviews for positions that might be consisered below that level, she's told she's too qualified. People don't want to take the chance that she is going to leave for greener pastures...she just wants a job.

Now my BFF is worried. She just bought her first house, and today she found out that her company will be having lay-offs. First come the voluntary ones...those people who want out, or who are close to retirement, whatever the reason, they want to go and will take the chance while it's available. After that, they will determine where else they will cut. And while she has some seniority, and there should be a need for her area after the cuts, you just never know. Of course she's freaked out, and other than the normal "Pollyanna" comments, I'm just not sure what to say to her. Of course, she'll be in my thoughts and prayers...but, that doesn't really help to alleviate her well founded fears.

I am glad that my husband and I waited to buy our first house. We could have gotten ourselves in over heads, buying a more expensive house, or buying earlier and getting a non-traditional mortgage, but we didn't. We may have paid a little more for our house, but it seems to be holding its value, and we aren't looking to go anywhere anytime soon. And my friend did the same thing...everything about her getting this house said it was the right time and place for her. I really hope that she is able to keep it all. Basically, I think that it sucks that those of us who worked hard to do things the "right way" are now having to pay for all those who chose to live the high life.

Another friend has a neighbor that bought a house on an "iffy" mortgage. The rate went up, they couldn't afford it, they were bailed out, and she's showing off her new Coach bag the next day.

I knew that the bubble was going to burst, and I really think that we all needed a reality check. I just hope that those I know and love are able to stay afloat until better times.

Bah Humbug

Today was not a good day. I was feeling like a major grump, and had to work very hard not to take it out on those around me. And it started as soon as I rolled over and realized that we had all overslept by an hour. Then I remembered the meeting I had to go sit in this morning, and I sincerely just wanted to pull the blankets back over my head and hide away. And I hear the rain. That tells me it's a perfect day to do just that. But there is work to go to, children to take to school. So up I go.

I take the kids to school, and get to work just a little late. I was out yesterday handling several appointments, so I sit down and get busy catching up. I know I'm grumpy, but I just can't seem to shake it. I head off to the two hour meeting. I sit next to my boss, who is completely handling work while listening, and I'm struggling to stay awake. The meeting ends, and I have a voice mail message from PB's doctor...her blood work came back positive for the one bacteria, she needs to go on an antibiotic. So I give it a little time, and head out to pick it up. The crazy people at Target are weaving around the shoppers coming out, people are parked all wrong, and I feel the grumpiness overtaking me again. I head back, pick up he prescription, and laugh with the pharmicist over my grumpiness. They are nice to me, and I feel a little better. I stop and get a cookie and soda (I love their cranberry walnut oatmeal cookies...yummmy) and I feel a little better. Then I go out to the parking lot, feel frustrated, get in my car, see that I just missed my husband calling me, and look at all the people all trying to get where I am, but blocking me from getting out of the way. And all that feeling better starts to run down out of my soul.

It goes on. More people who couldn't park. A long line of traffic going nowhere at the one entrance to where my kids are. More rain. The stress of getting my house ready. (this getting it ready is a continuation of yesterday...I'll post about it tomorrow. I'm not feeling it today.)

Back in September, my husband was able to make dvd's of himself reading stories to our children through the USO. They arrived yesterday...the DVD and a copy of the book. My son lost it. He threw the book and dvd away, yelled and screamed how stupid it was, etc. I tried to talk to him about the anger and hurt and sadness. He didn't want to talk about. So I encouraged him to yell, to rant and rave. I taunted him a little...told him he could be louder...other people couldn't hear him. We did this for a few minutes, and then the anger left and my little boy cuddled up on me and started chattering and giggling with me again. A little later he asked to watch the dvd and read the book, and he loved it.

Days like this are hard. The time until he is back seems to stretch so far away. I wonder about the toll on the kids, on him, on me. I know that we will all be fine, that it will be good when he gets home.

Tucking him into bed tonight, he told me the story of a little girl doll who was bought at the store. She was very sad, because she missed her mommy. So the lady that bought her took her back to the store so she could be with her mommy. And I reminded him that he had his mommy right here, and I wasn't going anywhere. And he grinned up at me, clutched me around the neck, and declared that he loved me more than anything else in te world. All was right with my world again.

Happy Love Thursday everyone. I didn't think it was going to be one, but it sure ended up that way.

Update on my hubby

Daddylang has finally made it to Iraq. He starts his job Wed morning (which is actually now) and he is very excited. I'm hoping that it's everything he wants it to be. Lots of people feel stuck in their jobs, but in the military deployed to Iraq? Not thinking there's much of an escape there.

We sent him a box of Christmas decorations as his "present" since we were advised by the USPS to mail the package by 12/4 to get it there by Christmas. He received the package Monday morning his time, Sunday evening ours. That's 2-3 days. I can't mail packages 3 states away that fast. I'm glad he'll have longer to enjoy them. It's been hard to come up with presents, since he wasn't there to figure out what he needs yet. Hopefully he can supply us a list this week, and we can still get some more stuff there. His birthday is the 27th, so we have to get stuff there for that as well.

He posted today (I think) (this really does get confusing...lol) about the box he received, and posted a picture of his decorated tree. THis is the man that enjoys making our house look like the Griswolds. I know he is missing the decorating this year, and I put up some outside decorations in his honor this weekend. I have to admit that I do enjoy pulling up the house in the early evening dark and seeing the lights and blow ups in our yard. And I love how excited the kids are every single night about seeing it again. It's one thing I can do to help them feel like this topsy turvy time is at least somewhat normal.

Times are stressful here, I'm finally starting to feel better, but now PB has a weird rash and has been out of school all week. We go back to the doctor tomorrow for follow up and maybe results from the blood test next week. In addition, work is crazy, and I'm trying desperately to make as much for Christmas as possible, plus decorate the house. I need at least six more hours in every day.

This year, mostly, I pray that my husband is safe. And that my children can remember this time with pride in how we all handled this separation.