Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Tired, just tired.

I really didn't intend to be on such a long break. It's summer. It's supposed to be lazy. Someone needs to let my schedule know that.

On top of the crammed pack schedule, I've been dealing with a bout of the blues. I'm over this deployment. People comment on us being single parents. But I don't like that description. Single parents have to do it all themselves. With no end in sight. This is hard, and I would never dispute this. I get to be a single parent, but for a short time. I have to make short term decisions, but still try to include my husband in those decisions enough to allow him to still feel like part of the family. It's hard to's frustrating, most of the time. The sense of limbo, of just trying to get through the days until everything is put back to rights. I'm lucky because both of our mothers live here, as well as my sister-in-law, and they are more than willing to help. But they can only do so much. I am still the parent. All.The.Time. There is no other parent to fall back on.

While my husband has been gone, I have had to maintain our lives. It's not fair to the children that we can't go to the beach or park or whatever because I need to do all the laundry, dishes, maintenance, etc. by myself, which means it takes too long. So sometimes, it doesn't get done. And I hate that. Sometimes, I have to decide which event is more likely to cause lifelong damage if I miss it, as I'm expected to be in two places at the same time. I still have to go to work 5 days a week. Added in with all of this, I need to find time to talk to my husband with a 7 hour time difference, send him letters and care packages, and try to discover new ways to keep us close with a roommate there and children always underfoot here. Add in trying to find time to exercise and eat right, and it starts to feel like too much.

And lately? I've been failing at some of this. And I'm feeling it. And that makes the pressure and sadness worse. I feel like my brain is constantly going. I stay up late almost every night, hoping to either see my hubby online or trying to get some chore or another done. And then on the weekends I end up crashing. I'm tired, and I'm cranky, (and I know I am...even when I'm trying not to be) and I'm frustrated and I'm lonely, and I'm just TIRED OF IT all....

But I know. I know this is what we signed up for. I know that his decision to serve is right for him. I know that a year really isn't all that long in the scheme of our life. I know that God will not let me go over the edge, no matter how close I feel I am.

And I know that when he comes home, we will adjust again. And our world will tilt back into the right direction. And I'll be better. I just have to make it for 2 more months...1/6 of the total deployment. Pray for me, please!

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