I still feel like that lost kid on the playground

I've been thinking about friendship a lot lately.  It's amazing to me how easy we let people slip out of our lives.  We get busy, and think we have plenty of time down the road, and suddenly weeks or months have gone by with very little contact.

This isn't the first time I've thought about this.  A few years ago, my feelings were hurt by a group of friends I had developed.  We were doing little nights out every few months to try and stay in touch.  Over time, people stopped coming.  Other friends, other activities became more important.  I tried to revive it and everyone was excited until it was actually time to get together.  And then they dropped out.  My feelings were very hurt...I wanted to spend time with these people and had made it a priority and they weren't.

I've been there.  I've let friendships fail. It's easier that way.  But I decided I didn't want to take the easier road.

Earlier this year, my feelings were hurt again.  I was excluded from a few group activities and felt the sting of rejection.  I wasn't the only one feeling rejected.  One of the members of this group kept telling the people complaining (I didn't complain, except to my husband.  I am an adult and know that I don't always have to be included, even if it does hurt my feelings.) that if they wanted to hang with their friends, make their own plans.  Stop waiting for someone else to do it for you.

So that's what I set out to do.  I made plans.  I invited people. I said yes whenever I was invited and could make it work.  I've had a lot of fun experiences.

But now, I'm feeling that sting of rejection again.  People are making plans and cancelling.  My texts go unanswered.

It feels like I care and they don't.  And it isn't just one or two people, it's a pretty large group.

I get it, life is busy.  Believe me, I know this.  But I also know we make time for those we care about.  And if you can't make time for me, I have to wonder if you care.

I'm not sure what the answer is here.  I've tried telling a few people that my feelings were hurt, and it's caused a rift.  So I'm back to sharing here, in this anonymous space.  Sometimes not having anyone read is a blessing.

Catching up.

Wow, months have gone by.  I've been a bit busy saying yes, and not living on my computer.  It's been awesome.  I need to take the time to write about some of my adventures, and I'm sure I'll do that over the coming months, as I'm stuck inside a bit more in the winter.

I've always been a little bit directionless on this blog...it was a general life/mommy type blog I guess.  But now, I think I need to focus more on life and a few of the things that make my life happy.  My kids are older, and while I may still occasionally blog about them, I foresee this being way less about my life as a mom.

One of the things I'm going to start doing more is reviewing books.  I actually read a ton, and I need to start capturing those books and my thoughts on them.

Beautiful is as beautiful does.

Have you seen the newest Dove ad that's gone viral? It shows women coming in and describing themselves to a sketch artist, and then someone they just met coming in and describing them to the same artist.  The women are brought back in to review both sketches.  Of course, the sketches are different, with the ones done when describing themselves being "worse."

It's become a controversial spot.  A lot of people feel empowered by it, realizing they need to see themselves in a better light.  Others find it wrong, relying too much on our physical beauty and not enough on what "really matters" in life.

And they are both right.  Beauty matters, and how you live your life matters.  Don't think beauty matters?  Go watch that video of Susan Boyle's first performance on television...see the mocking and doubt many show because she isn't what people believe is beautiful.  Sure, people fell in love with her voice, and it made them a little more accepting.  But I guarantee you three things:  1. if she didn't have such a lovely voice, people would still be making her the butt of jokes, 2. People are still making her the butt of jokes, just not as meanly, and 3. People have told and are probably still telling her that she could be lovely, beautiful if only she would...  And that is usually the voice we hear over and over again in our head.

When you tell someone they would be beautiful if they would just lose weight, cut their hair, wear a little makeup?  You may be well-meaning, but you've probably now put that voice in their head for the rest of their life.  They will focus in on that one thing and will judge how other people are judging them by that measurement.

I don't tell my kids they are beautiful every day.  I tell them when they look nice (and when they need to shower...sigh).  I tell them when they are smart, when they do something kind, and when they are silly, not-so-smart and mean.  I try to temper those comments, making sure they know that the positives and negatives balance.  I want my children to grow up to appreciate the total package they are...in looks and actions.  So I will discuss this article with my kids.  I will also discuss how sexist the Axe ads are, and how men and women aren't as stupid as commercials make them out to be.  Mostly, I will do my best to make sure they know they are beautiful in their own way.

Failing again

I had hoped that the photo a day challenge would help me get back into this space, sharing our adventures.  Because I love having this small area to come back and look at.  And I made it until Thanksgiving, and then I crashed and burned.  And I've barely taken any pictures since then.  Part of that is due to the necessity of secrecy this time of year.  I'm sure I'll have lots to post of my new creations once they've been given. But no matter, I'm going to try and post more.

And I actually have one of my first truly sponsored posts coming up.  I'm excite to get a little paycheck from here, and it may actually make it so I can justify putting  a little more effort into this here blog.  I don't want to make oodles of cash, but I need it to be close to self-sustaining.  We'll see what happens.

Oh Christmas Tree - but not ours

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"My baby boy is in that group singing Christmas songs for the base tree lighting. #Christmastreelighting #Christmasmusic"
(taken at Dover Air Force Base Housing)

Sunsets

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"While going to work an coming home from work in the near dark sucks, the sunrises and sunsets have been spectacular. #nofilter #sunset"
(taken at Dover Air Force Base Housing)

Nuggets

There are so many things every day that I think I will write about, but I never do.  I'm not confident enough in my voice any longer.  I'm floundering with who I am.  I'm working on finding that confidence, so I'm forcing myself to write for now.

Most people make resolutions and changes on New Year's Day.  I feel that resolve in the Fall, when it's back to school.  I purge and clean, buying new notebooks and calendars, resolving to do better at staying organized this year.  It very rarely works, but I enjoy it none-the-less.  I have been on a cleaning/purging binge though, and my house is feeling better for it.

How about you?  Does your fresh start come in January or September?

Not so out of my element

So a few weeks ago, I mentioned that the hubs and I were working at a music festival in our hometown. And it was an amazing event.

The inaugural Firefly Music Festival  was a great weekend full of music and interesting sights. The entire weekend went by in a flash, but glimpses of it will have to keep me moving towards next years event.

It sounds funny to say that it was a peaceful event, since the music was anything but peaceful.  But it really seemed that everyone there just wanted to enjoy some great music.  While I saw a lot of interesting sights, and yes, I probably even silently thought they were crazy, there was an overwhelming attitude of acceptance.  Maybe we were all on a contact (or non-contact) high, but the craziness just made it more fun.

There were people with hula hoops, butterfly wings, and crazy hats.  There was a guy in a speedo, a guy dressed as a Hooter's girl, people in banana and taco costumes, people that hadn't bathed all weekend, and people dressed like they were about to get on a yacht.  But when the music played, it didn't matter.

I worked behind the main stage, and got to see and chat with quite a few artists.  Imagine Dragons were awesome performing, and they were great backstage as well.  The Flaming Lips are true entertainers, and I loved watching them walk by.  Fitz and the Tantrums rocked the stage, and they were rocking backstage as well.  I discovered Mayer Hawthorne, and loved him.  Grouplove, Ok Go, and many more.  But the best shows of the weekend?  The Black Keys on Sunday night was awesome.  Everyone knew it was the last moments, and the crush of people was amazing.  I've been in large groups before that sucked, but this group was of one mind...rock out and suck the last bit of enjoyment from the weekend.

But even better was the Killers show on Saturday night.  They ROCKED.  Fireworks, great music, beautiful weather.  It was everything that it should have been.

The hubs and I have already purchased our tickets for next year, and I'm hoping we can arrange to take our kids.  No volunteering next year...I plan on rocking at every show I can.

Pecked to death

I was having one of those days yesterdays...the ones that make you feel like the Universe, and all it's cosmic glory, is against you.  Nothing major or big happened, just a bunch of little things, over and over again.  I was complaining to a friend last night, and he sent me back this gem:

Sometimes it's easier to get eaten by a tiger than to get pecked to death by ducks.

That sums up my day yesterday.

But today, I kept waiting for that crouching tiger.  The ducks hadn't quite finished me off, and it smelled fresh meat.

Sunny Days

So I started a couch to 5K program a few weeks ago.  I HATE running.  Despise it.  Running makes my body scream and yell at me.  But just once, I want to run. I want to feel like my body is capable.  I'm not delusional, I won't be running any marathons, but a small 5K?  I should be able to do that.

I just completed week 2, and will be repeating that week starting on Saturday.  My lungs are screaming by the 1 minute mark.  Not acceptable.  I will beat them into submission if I have to.

I need to track, I need to feel accountable.  So I'm putting it out here.

One month down...one year down...one day down.

January is a tough month for most people.  It's dark, dreary and cold.  Your resolutions that sounded like such great ideas at the beginning of the month are either long gone and fueling your guilt or have totally turned into a chore.  Movie and music releases are slower, television shows are in reruns, it's all glum after party let down.

February, you start to pick up a bit.  You picture the good things ahead. You either look forward to Valentine's day, or you look forward to boycotting and complaining about it.

Today is the one year anniversary of my grandmother's death.  She was my last living grandparent. She watched me when I was a small child, helping me with my homework and scraped knees.  She wasn't the grandmotherly type, often issuing rules that made me mad.  But I always knew she loved me.

I remember my grandparents buying me a doll house for Christmas one year...a huge monstrosity wooden kit.  My grandparents quickly realized that this was way above their skill set, and returned it for a pre-fab pink plastic one.  But she took the extra money and bought a wooden furniture set.  The miniature pieces required assembly with glue and stickers and paint.  My grandmother sat at the dining table with me working on those tiny pieces, mumbling under her breath, after school for weeks.  I loved them.  I played with them for years, and my girls played with that dollhouse for a few years.

I am a reformed pack rat.  My life changed many times growing up, and holding on to things gave me a sense of peace.  As an adult, I've had to learn how to let go of those things, whether thanks to a flooded basement or a general lack of space.  The things I keep now must be very special or beautiful or functional.  I still have that furniture, in a shoe box in a plastic tote.

My  grandmother was very difficult in her later years.  My mother and her never had an "easy" relationship, although they would both argue that it was the best it could be.  The stories her friends told at her memorial helped me remember the fun things about her.  And time has allowed me to pull those memories up more readily.  And I've seen some of the things I get from her.

Today, I miss my grandma.  I'm not sad that passed, as she lived a long life.  But I do wish that I had taken the time to learn more about her from before she was my grandmother, before she was a wife and mother.  I wish I had thanked her more often for the memories she did give me.

I think I need to visit with my furniture tonight.

Chatty?

I've been feeling chatty lately.  Facebook friends are probably ready to kill me.  I realized today that I need to start blogging these thoughts.  Maybe I found my voice again?  They're gonna be rough, but I'm gonna try to put them out there.

Today was a day of cooking...I made italian wedding soup for lunch and steak, scalloped potatoes and roasted broccoli and cauliflower for dinner.  I also made Kale Chips for the first time...oh my, those are delicious!  I also roasted chestnuts in the oven for the first time.  I don't really like them, but I'm glad I tried them.

I also managed to get several Christmas projects knocked out.  I have a lot more to go, but it felt good to have something done.

And I managed to get all of the family to put their clothes away.  It's a Christmas miracle.

What to talk about this month.

Today's post isn't going to be too exciting, but here it goes.

I am going to make a list of some of the things I want to blog about.  Maybe if I put it out there for public consumption, I'll start working on it.

Weight loss and healthy eating
Parenting a college student who still lives at home
The visit to the fall fest
holiday traditions
my craft space
marriage
my thoughts on the recent protests


There are more...I know there are.  But it's a start.

November? Already?

I'm full of cliche's today.  I can't believe it's November.  It seems like it was just the first day of school, and the first marking period is already over.  We are as busy as ever with the kids and their activities, and I went and signed up to do a craft show.  Silly me.

In other news, here they are in all of their Halloween glory.

Bug as a witch to hand out candy.

PB...I'm not sure what she was?  It started out wanting a mask,
 then saw the wins and tutu, then the pantyhose.  She's cute though.

The super stealthy ninja boy known as Monster.
 Yes, we had him wear his martial arts uniform.  I'm cheap, okay?

And off on another tangent, I signed up for NaBloPoMo...let's see how long I last.

Update on the Craziness

We discovered Saturday that the car didn't just break on it's own...it broke when it collided with the driver's side rear tire on our jeep.  Since it's been over a week, they won't do an accident report, only an incident report.  Our only recourse, except our own insurance, is to find out who owned the car and sue them.  Yay.  The police officer did tow the car, so at least it's no longer causing problems getting in and out of our driveway.

The Heroin House drama continues.  The renters are from another country, and at least one is being deported.  We lock our house and cars and set our alarm now and try not to stare when we go out front.  They've recently moved some furniture out of the house.  I hope they are truly moving, and not just moving product!

Where I make up new seasons

It's beautiful here right now...sort of like Indian Fall in the middle of August (what?  That isn't a real thing?  We have Indian Summer in the fall, why can't we have Indian Fall in the Summer?)  Temps in the low 80's with no humidity.  Lows at night in the high 60's/low 70's.  It's like a little blessing in the middle of all the heat we've been living through. I plan on enjoying it for all it's glory, until the next heat wave crushes us.  Probably in September :)

Strolling through the craziness...

Around 3 am on Friday morning, I woke from a deep sleep to the sound of metal clanging along blacktop.  I jumped out of bed to look out the window, and see someone parked next to our Jeep on the road, getting out and walking around.  I tell my husband that it looks like someone is messing with our car.

He jumps out of bed, throws on some shorts and runs out front to see what is going on.  He comes in a few minutes later to get a flashlight.  The guy was leaving his friends house in our development when his car broke...the front tire is rubbing against the wheel well, and he destroyed his transmission.  In the midst of this, his beer spilled all over him and his car.  I'm sure it wasn't his first or only.  My husband tries to help him move the car out of the middle of the road, but drunk guy isn't really cooperating, and keeps refusing to call a tow truck.  Around 3:45 we give up on him and try to go back to bed.

Friday afternoon, the neighbor comes out to tell us that he helped push the guys car off the street.  Which is nice, except it's perfectly lined up with our driveway now, and makes getting in and out of our driveway difficult.  He also told us that a major drug bust occurred in the rental house located diagonally from us.  The tenants have lived there for a month...we live in a nice development.

On Saturday, Monster and I had a little stroll through the woods.  Well, actually, it was a leave no trace hike with his cub scout pack.  We took the short trail, and 3 miles later we finally were hot and thirsty and ready to go.  But first, Monster and I had to take a visit to the nature center.  I loved the displays in there, but these two were my favorites.

After that, we went to our local orchard for the annual festival, enjoyed some free peach ice cream and a hay ride.  My mil invited the kids over to swim, so I took Monster home to get his bathing suit.  As I pulled into my drive, there was a police officer parked behind the car and in front of the drug bust house.  I did a few things in the yard while he ran inside, then had a discussion with the officer about the car.  Unfortunately, they can't tow it, but can only continue to ticket it for being parked the wrong direction.  As I was leaving, my mom pulled up and joined me.  We were almost out of the development when I realized I had left my phone on the bumper of my car.  I turned around to go home and prayed that it wasn't destroyed.  I couldn't find it.  We finally found it where I had turned around, and the screen was shattered.  I was sick...I literally thought I would throw up. My mom took Monster over to swim, and I googled trying to figure out what my options were.

I stayed home Sunday and finished rearranging and cleaning my craft area.  (more to come on this!) I needed to soothe my nerves.

On Monday, we drove the hour north to the nearest Apple Store, and the awesome Genius offered me a one time replacement on my phone for free.  I wanted to hug him!

The car is still sitting there, and the drug bust house is still occupied, now with a new member and a pit bull...oh yay!  Hopefully I don't have another weekend like that anytime soon!

Things I've been enjoying...

Jason Mraz and Jack Johnson stations on Pandora.

Getting a long awaited sewing project underway, and hopefully done soon.

Camping with my family.

Hiking up a mountain, including a rock scramble.

Seeing my oldest graduate from high school in the top 5% of her class, and anticipating her new future.

Seeing my oldest enjoying her friends at her graduation party, and seeing how effortlessly they include the younger kids in their group.

Seeing activities starting to come to an end, so that we have some nights at home again.

Watching my middle child as she is inducted into NJHS.  She is such a smart one...and so loved by everyone.

Watching my baby excel in reading and being a friend and baseball.

Random thoughts

I suck right now.  I can't keep anything together.  Part of me realizes I'm like this every spring, but it does seem to get worse every year.  Work is a crazy mess, our schedule is a crazy mess, I'm not doing any of the things I want to do (because I like to sleep...the 6 or so hours I'm eeking out these days isn't enough, so I definitely can't decrease that number any.)

I started blogging to share, and to record.  And I'm sucking hugely at that.  So, I'm going to start throwing some little random thoughts up.  I'm trying to slowly clean up some of the parts of these here space as well.

Last night Monster had his third baseball game.  Can I just tell you that 7-8 year old boys are the sweetest age for baseball.  (Girls are probably cute at that age with baseball as well, but we don't have any on our team.)  They are really starting to understand the fundamentals of the game, but they are still so excited when something works right, and aren't afraid to show their enthusiasm.  Of course it helps that we have an awesome team with a great coach.  Really, I've been very impressed with our coach this year. He has worked hard on teaching the fundamentals to these kids, making sure that they do things the correct way without sounding like he is harping.  And you see that when you watch them play another team.  Our boys know what they are supposed to be doing.  They aren't perfect, and they still miss a lot, but the basic principles are there. And of course, they are just so sweet looking in their uniforms.

PB (I need new nicknames...hmm, have to work on that) is doing so great.  She was selected to participate in Mandarin Chinese classes through the school next year.  She is so excited, and so am I.  She's going to end up being so smart it's expensive :)

Bug is graduating in a little over a month.  She was accepted into several schools, but will probably be going to the in state school and living at home.  She has a sweet set up and knows it...lol.  Seriously, besides saving us some cash, it gives us a chance to help her mature some more.  She has the academics down, but some of those life skills need a little work.

Wow, that sounds like a Christmas letter...lol.

Spring days...at last?

Today was a beautiful day.  The sun was shining, I went for a walk, I had windows open, it was gorgeous.  Unfortunately, we only have these every 7 or 8 days for the last several weeks.  I need real spring to get here now!

The trees are blooming though.  We've spent time at the park, and working in the yard, and gone for some walks.  Now to get the back porch cleaned off so we can hang out there, eating dinner or enjoying a fire.

What's your favorite part of spring?