Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Growing up, even at 35

I am shy. Sometimes painfully so. But I've worked very hard over the last 5 years to change that. And one of the epiphanies I had that helped me with that process was that people really don't think about me as much as I think they do. This was a hard lesson to learn. Not because I'm conceited, or because I think I'm so great...quite the opposite. I am geeky. A little socially awkward. But whate I've learned is that I was socially awkward because I worried about what other people thought too much. I'm not saying I'm 100% cured of this, but I can usually see myself heading down that path, and cut myself off at the pass.

The fact that I'm not totally over this tendancy was brought home to me yesterday. I was having a conversation at work, and I commented on something to the co-worker. Then last night, I started obsessing about how stupid the comment was, how she probably was laughing behind my back at how stupid I sounded. And then I literally kicked my own ass for being so stupid. Because really, who cares? If their laughing at me, fine...I'm glad I could provide them some entertainment.

I always thought it was sort of cliched about learning to like yourself more as you aged. But in my case, it's true. There are still things I don't like, but work very hard to recognize these things, and then take steps to fix them.

I've had a rough week. A person on a committee with me has been very mean to me several times in the last 6 months, and I've felt powerless to make it stop. But today, I received confirmation that I wasn't crazy, and that other people saw it as well. I will gladly admit that I let this negativity get to me, and allowed myself to say a few things that shouldn't have been said. I'm a big girl, and I will admit when I'm wrong. But being a big girl also means that you should be able to approach people in a civilized, calm manner when you have an issue with something they do. Unfortunately, the other party apparently didn't receive that memo (or as my SIL says, they didn't put on the big girl pants that And I reacted. And I resented for days. But, today, I realized that I have supporters, and they are willing (and able) to help me resolve this situation.

So now, I'm off to bed, and I'm hopeful that the next committee meeting will be productive and drama free. I'm suggesting some radical changes, but I have strong, valid reasons for the changes, and I hope that is seen.

And I will remind myself to leave the baggage there, and to not think about the mean people any more than they think about me. Life is too short, and I'm enjoying living it.

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