Monday, November 01, 2010

On love and life and all the stuff in between

I married my husband thirteen years ago.  We met almost fourteen years ago.  We knew each other less than three months when he asked me to marry him and I agreed.  Eight months later we were married.  We almost gave up several times in those first five years.  There was love and happiness, but there was a lot of stress as well.  We were so poor, and struggling just to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and heat in the house.  We'd be so happy if we could make it to store without kids.  Jobs were lost, money was tight, life happened.  Somehow, we stuck it out.  And life got easier.  Marriage was easier. 

Then we prepared for a year apart, spent that year apart, and the last year getting readjusted.  Again it hasn't been easy.  I am not the best at long distance relationships of any kind.  I have a hard time with the work that goes into staying connected and involved.  Perhaps that's why I am only close to one person from my college days, and only stay in touch with others from high school and college by Facebook.  I want to do better, but the time and energy are used up elsewhere.  But with my husband, I worked.  I worked hard that year.

And it's still not easy.  The relationship changed.  We've had our struggles this year.  After being the sole person in charge of the household for a year, it's hard to reintegrate another adult.  After a year of only being responsible for himself and some basic chores besides work, it's hard to reintegrate into life with kids, household responsibilities, and less freedom.  And I'll admit, for a while there, we sucked.  It wasn't working.  And it was hard.

But through it all, I tried to remember one fact.  I love this man.  Even during the hardest times, when I want to scream and yell and cry and fight, I love him. I committed to being his wife, through all of the times, not just the good or easy ones.  And what sort of role model would I be for my children if I just quit whenever the going got rough.

It's still not easy.  He's going to school full time at night while also working full time. He misses things, he can't help out as much around the house and with the kids.  I get frustrated...I need a break, and I don't see him offering one, and I get mad.  He gets frustrated for the same reasons.  But I take a deep breath, and remind myself that this too shall pass.

Let me clarify here, I am not saying that you should never consider divorce, that YOU should stick it out no matter what.  There are many situations in which you should leave.  Each person deserves to be happy, to live their best life.  And if divorce is the only way to do so, then so be it.  I will do my best to not judge you, especially if I know how hard you've worked, how much you struggled.  But I will be sad for you, and I will wish that things could be different. 

As for me, I've told my husband this before, and I post it here for all the world to see.  I am committed to our marriage.  I am committed to making it be all that it can be, to working through the hard times, enjoying the fun times, and to still be doing so when we are old.

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