I strive to live in the moment, enjoying my family and my life for what it is today. This wars with my planning nature, which wants to extrapolate out all the possible scenarios for upcoming events, figuring out how I'll handle each one. It's hard to be in the moment when your mind is filled with what-if's.
Lately, I've been rushed and tired. I'm feeling torn in several directions...busy at work, and busy at home. When I'm home, I'm feeling guilty for what I didn't get done at work, and when I'm at work I just want to be home. I know that a large part of this is wanting time with my husband now that he's home, but knowing why you are feeling a certain way doesn't make it go away, or even make it better.
But last week, a co-worker of my husbands passed away at 36 years old. He leaves behind a wife and two small children, and a unit full of soldiers struggling to make sense of this event. He contracted spinal meningitis and died...by the time they knew what was wrong with him, it was too late.
Thinking about his wife and kids haunt me. Knowing that he spent a year in a war zone, and came home in some of the best health of his life, then 3 weeks later dying...how do you reconcile that? How do they go about their lives, living day to day, after the highs and horrible lows they've experienced in the last month?
Right before my husband was deployed, a person I considered a friend lost her husband to the war in Afghanistan. We had sort of lost touch, and I wasn't sure how to reach out to her. And I was scared, and facing her lost meant dealing with the fear of losing my own spouse as he was leaving. I still regret not following up with at least an email. She recently friended me on facebook, and I'll be sending my feelings out to her.
I found myself frustrated with my son this morning, and so ready to drop him off at the Youth Center. And suddenly, this soldier's face flashed into my head. I am so very blessed, and lately, I've let myself forget that. I made sure to hug my baby extra tight when dropping him off, saying a prayer that I'll get to do this millions of times in the future.
God blesses every day, it's up to us to notice.
GIS # I don't know, but it's time to get back on track
1. My husband came home from the war.
2. He's relatively healthy.
3. He never saw heavy combat.
4. My family is intact again.
5. My children's laughter and hugs.