Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I'm a big doh head!

Copyright 2006 by mamalang
If you aren't reading this at
it is stolen!

I haven't really felt like posting anything since it seemed no one was reading, and then I hit a button and found out I had a ton of comments waiting for my approval so they could be posted...I don't remember checking that box? Oh well, they are there now, and I say thank you all so much. Validation is so refreshing :)

The behavior chart has helped! If nothing else, I'm able to give a consequence and then stick to it. Sometimes that is hard for me to do...okay, you can go to the sleepover (while thinking "cause I want the 15 hours of time away from you!). I'm not going to pretend that our lives are suddenly peachy keen, because they aren't. But I see improvement, and that is a start. I've also stressed to my hubby that we have to start spending more family time without the TV on. I think that has helped as well. I've only lost my cool and screamed at them one time in the last week...I think that's a record!

BubandPie posted a great blog on Rage. It really made me think about the rage I've felt. It can be very scary, and I thank God that I have some rational part of my brain that stays functioning when that rage hits. I don't remember ever feeling hate, anger, love, or rage this strongly before I became a mother. I truly wonder if pregnancy and childbirth don't change our basic DNA in some way. But truly the flipside of this is that I feel that love so much stronger now, too. So I'll deal with the rage in order to have this love.

What seems even crazier to me is that since buying our house, I've felt this strong sense of rage less often. I'm not sure why this is...we have more bills, and our kids social lives aren't any easier...but this house brings me peace. I have places to get away for a few minutes. It's still cluttered at times, but not nearly as bad or as often as it used to be. After living on a military base for over 5 years, maybe it's just not having the feeling of living under a microscope every minute of every day. Whatever, I've learned that peace begets peace...It's much easier for me to calm my rage when it does hit now.

I think this "blogosphere" is a wonderful thing. An anonymous person commented on the rage blog "Ariel Gore, in The Mother Trip, says we need to speak the unspeakable about motherhood, so we're not so isolated." I think this was a perfect thing to say...and I think blogging helps us do just that. So thank you all for stopping by, and allowing me to talk with you about the unspeakable.


Anonymous said...

Hi MamaLang-
I can definitely identify with the rage. I've told my Mom, several times, that I love Sasha with every fiber of my being. She is the baby I so badly wanted. She was my only baby for 4 years. But there are times, when I almost hate her... not just dislike, but hate.

She really knows how to push my buttons and rile me up. I'm learning to walk away instead of screaming at her and giving in. Both my pediatrician and the psychologist at Sasha's school have mentioned that it sounds like she is trying to gain control of any given situation by losing control. She's getting something out of it. My guess is that she's getting attention... even if it is negative.

I know it's been hard on her since Rachel came along. She & Rachel ADORE each other. But Sasha was my life and now there's this other little girl who needs me. Sasha's old enough to do things for herself now, Rachel isn't. But I think Sasha sometimes feels like Rachel gets all of my attention because I have to feed her and change her and dress her and rock her and comfort her more than I do with Sasha now.

So, I've been trying to spend more time with Sasha in the evenings, now. It worked for a little while, but now she's starting to manipulate that, too.

I guess it all just gets chalked up to the "joys" of parenthood!


PS... We're meeting with the psychologist guy today. I'll let you know if he has any more insight on the current situation.

bubandpie said...

The evil "comment moderation" trap! That has happened to a couple of new bloggers that I know of, and it's the saddest thing - you think that nobody is returning your visits! Glad you found all those missing comments.

And I'm fascinated by what you say about your house. I think that some places just feel like "home" and that helps so much. I have that in the house we're in now, and I worry that I won't feel that when we move next year to a smaller town where there may not be many options to choose from.

Chelsea/Mom said...

Just read your blog through the recommendation of another Mom blogger. Love it! :) Keep it up, Mama!

Kristen said...

I'm so glad the house seems to be making a difference. If you felt under a microscope before, then that definitely didn't help, I'm sure. And congrats on the behavior chart helping - that is a great step! (I need to start one too...)